It's Been a Long Time Coming..

Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them. And sometimes we interpret things one way, when in reality it’s something so much more different than we had envisioned. We let our expectations get in the way of what’s really happening and it changes the dynamic of everything.

Relationships are hard. Starting them is easy – a simple hello could change things, but what happens when you put yourself into the equation, when you give of yourself and they give back, and things build? Things get complicated.

Before coming to college I had casually dated; there were guys my own age, guys who were older. I thought I could play the game talk the talk, knew what I was doing. At times I found myself not so much in trouble but in awkward predicaments but in the end, things always ended for the better. I made friends with some of them, haven’t seen others since, and I thought I had had my heartbroken – turns out I hadn’t even come close. Then I came to college, a world where despite all the people from back home, I could kind of re-invent myself – they had no need to know who I had been in my past dating life, didn’t need to know the ins and outs of my tastes and my adventures.

I had my fun for a month of so, met tons of adorable guys, had fun, nothing serious – until I met him, the one who changed it all, the one who is a daily reminder of the beauty of relationships and of the ugly in them too. The one who heightened my expectations. The one who stole my heart. The one who broke it. He did. He broke me into tiny little pieces. He changed my outlook of things, changed who I was.  It took me a long time to piece myself back together, it took benders and boys who I treated as toys, who would take me to dinner to pass the time to hope that at some point there would be some spark and I would forget him, leave him behind. It never really happened, not until about two months ago when I met someone who I thought might be something of a catch, someone who would be a positive addition to this fast paced life I feel that I live. But there’s always a catch when you find a catch.

He’s graduating. He has commitment issues.

Unbeknownst of my spring break experience wherein I found myself glued to my iPhone for 10 straight days of constant chatter, I miss you’s, and I can’t wait to see you’s things would change. That first time I saw him after not seeing him for 10 days was incredible, the feelings intensified, he was more than just a message on my screen, there was a real connection. Our first date was incredible, I couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t control my wanting to just kiss him or hold his hand, he felt the same way too. I had finally found something that could give me a flicker of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. Then I found out he was graduating, and it only encouraged me to see him more, take advantage of the time I had left with him. I know its cliché to use the phrase ‘you only live once’ but I felt that in this situation I had no choice. Little did I know that Mr. Perfect was not so perfect after all. My desire to see him pushed him away, I found myself seeing less and less of him. He called it a “automatic self defense mechanism” in order to protect himself from getting to close, from experiencing feelings that happened all on their own. Where was my spring break crush, the one who could barely contain the urge to come back, to spend time with me, to enjoy what had blossomed so quickly after a simple hello?

I find myself in the struggle on a daily basis of whether to keep the effort or whether to let go. I’ve opened myself up, I’ve been on the verge of being fatally wounded, I recovered, found my balance, found my life again, and here I am – my heart on a platter – and in a month he’ll be gone, and life will go on, and he’ll be a small reminder of my time here, of my experiences, of my adventures. Should I let go of something I’ve put so much effort into or should I keep my energies invested until the clock strikes goodbye?

I don’t know…

He reprimands me. He’s a ticking time bomb. I’m a ticking time bomb, an emotional sentimental wreck. I owe it to that one that got away, the one who ripped me into pieces. I’ve never felt so weak then when I think back to those moments… to those hours I stayed up to Skype when we invested in a long distance relationship, 6000 miles, 7 hour time difference, emotional ups and downs… a trip to London – a city that now carries the disdain of a relationship gone wrong, a city I could never step foot in without thinking of him, of the moments we shared, the happiness that existed. Somehow I think I left my heart in London. It might have changed things for us.

We had our ups and downs, we continue to feel things for one another that we can’t explain, but I’ve learned to let go, to move on. It doesn’t mean I need to stop loving him, it’ll never happen… but I’ve learned to separate that world from the one I live in now. The present and the future are at stake, my time here in this wonderful city is soon coming to a close and it’s time to focus on the important factors, the other healthy relationships I’ve built here, the experiences I’ve had, the memories I’ve made, the moments I’ve had to myself.

Despite my heartbreak I’ve grown as a person, found that I can live on my own, that I can be independent, but that it doesn’t mean that I’m alone. I feel more accompanied than ever. I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’m thankful to my parents, to my friends.

Should I continue pushing forward with Mr. Commitment-Phobe? Something tells me that I should. People tell me that I shouldn’t. I know the feelings are there, discreetly he’s admitted to it, but what happens when that month has come and gone?

I guess it’s TBA.

The Aristochic.